It has been 18 years, possibly to the day (certainly to the week) since I met my one-day-to-be-wife (although it took 2 years before we started dating). Apparently this makes me a dinosaur, but here goes anyway:
Dating apps seem like an incredible waste. Waste of time, waste of energy and (most cursed of all) waste of rejection tolerance. If you wake up today and think “I want to beat someone up”, do you go to a boxing hall or a gym and pick a fight? Hell no. You go to an old folks home. If you want to find clients you don't go to a convention for your field. You shoehorn your way into the convention your potential clients go to (ideally one that makes it hard for you to get in) and start glad handing people.
Yet, this is exactly what a dating app is. But wait, it is worse! Dating apps (by design) let people filter by what they think. I'm not going to spend too much time on “revealed preference” and “people are idiots who don't know what they want”, but good lord are people JUST TERRIBLE at setting filters in general and more so for dating.
You should maximize for quality shot opportunities. Unless you're a legit six one with decent BMI/face/income/education evidence of twitter/the internet/casual conversations suggests dating apps are going to provide very few quality shot opportunities.
What will provide quality shot opportunities is getting out and meeting people, away from the dating scene, where they are filtering for “do I enjoy spending time with this person, do they make me laugh, are we compatible” first, not “is this person I want my friends to know I am dating” (you can re-phrase the 2nd question a lot of different (and more depressing) ways).
Join a club. Volunteer on a charity (ideally one with monthly/biweekly social-ish meetings). Join a sports league (but NOT a singles sports league). Take a class. Become a regular at a maker space. Do whatever it takes to make a few new, casual, friends/acquaintances each month. Any activity that plausible includes the appropriate target gender is fine, of course some might be better than others, so long as you actually enjoy it.
Then, either casually ask people out to NON date activities 0-2 times or explicitly ask them out on a low-risk date (coffee, hiking in a populated part, golf (frisbee or regular), 1 off cooking class. Anything that's short-ish, allows for social interaction and has enough buffer/other people to not be too intimidating.
Do not become a creeper or serial asker-outer. How do you avoid this? First, simply avoid it. If your instincts are so bad (and they might be) that you cannot figure this out I would suggest:
1: No more than 1 ask per monthish per activity group.
2: Do not ask out more than 1 in 5? 6? 10? eligible partners per activity. Eligible partner = plausible singles of target gender +/- a big age range.
3: Do not do too many activity groups per month. 3? 4? Anything over this suggests you're over-applying this advice and using them to look for dates and are therefore risking being a creeper.
If (assuming you're a guy seeking a gal) there are 5 single gals in the approx. age range in some activity, and you ask 2 of them out (unless separated by at least half a year), you're a creeper. If you ask out every other girl that joins the activity, creeper.
The touchstone is that you must be seen by the girls as there for the activity first, social life second, dating third. Even if this is a lie, it is how it should come across. If it becomes activity first, dating second you're on suspect creeper thin ice, and if it becomes dating first you're a creeper.
I suggest this will give you an active social life which on its own will help you (social proof of non-creeper/OK person status). It will also give you many more quality shot opportunities than endlessly scrolling and chatting up people in the highest competition zone possible. This strat also allows network effects to work in your favor b/c if you have social proof of non-creeper status you might get hooked up/set up on dates by people you know. Also, if it fails you have an active social life doing things you enjoy (vs having spent hours scrolling through pictures of people that will reject you).
Post-Conclusion Notes:
1. The sad reality is that a lot of nerd-adjacent guys seem to have both under and over corrected on the dangers of being a creeper. Don't assume you can't ask someone out after you've casually met them 1-10 times and seemed to hit it off, but do carefully gauge the (ahem) market differential and use it to set the ask up appropriately. i.e. the hotter/better the other person is compared against you the more you're limited to “hey, there's a new third wave coffee place opened up, do you want to go some time?”
2. Do assume that if someone says no or fobs it off (without asking you to do something in the next few weeks) they aren't interested at that time and hold off on future asks for 6 months. If they refuse/fob a second time, idk you're either done or need to wait years.
3. Work on your conversation skills. Listen to the other person, then respond. Don't plan your response while they're talking. Do not be the topper. Do not talk over people. It's better to let a moment of silence occur than rush to fill it with something stupid. Pauses while you think seem long (eternal) to you, but to other people are just brief moments. Talk about yourself an appropriate amount. Ask more questions than you answer, but don't be prying. ABOVE ALL ELSE THE SPICE/CONVERSATION MUST FLOW. Do what it takes to let it flow fairly naturally.
4. Self deprecating humor should be deployed with extreme care. It's like when people ask you in an interview (on a television show) “what's your 3 greatest weaknesses” and you have to respond with strengths. It is better to avoid self deprecating humor than mess it up, but in general it can't be stuff you're actually afraid of/that is actually a problem. Humor is hard to explain. If you need a detailed explanation of how to use self deprecating humor, you should simply not use it for a while.
5. Your body odor should be soap, with a reasonable amount of deodorant. I will admit to concerns about the wisdom of anti-antiperspirants, but dates/asks are not the place for those concerns. It is OK to have a non-scented anti-antiperspirant and apply the everloving heck out of it, then do 1 small swipe of original Old Spice per pit (SMALL I SAID). Do not smell bad. Clean clothing, reasonably acceptable shoes and no body/breath odor. If you have chronic allergies you should strongly consider asking a friend the honest/brutal question about your breath odor during allergy season. Allergies/post-nasal drip/deviated septum can cause odor that brushing doesn't fix, and if this is true, you should try and fix it as much as possible (and/or mints).
Dating Roundup #1: This Is Why You're Still Single
It has been 18 years, possibly to the day (certainly to the week) since I met my one-day-to-be-wife (although it took 2 years before we started dating). Apparently this makes me a dinosaur, but here goes anyway:
Dating apps seem like an incredible waste. Waste of time, waste of energy and (most cursed of all) waste of rejection tolerance. If you wake up today and think “I want to beat someone up”, do you go to a boxing hall or a gym and pick a fight? Hell no. You go to an old folks home. If you want to find clients you don't go to a convention for your field. You shoehorn your way into the convention your potential clients go to (ideally one that makes it hard for you to get in) and start glad handing people.
Yet, this is exactly what a dating app is. But wait, it is worse! Dating apps (by design) let people filter by what they think. I'm not going to spend too much time on “revealed preference” and “people are idiots who don't know what they want”, but good lord are people JUST TERRIBLE at setting filters in general and more so for dating.
You should maximize for quality shot opportunities. Unless you're a legit six one with decent BMI/face/income/education evidence of twitter/the internet/casual conversations suggests dating apps are going to provide very few quality shot opportunities.
What will provide quality shot opportunities is getting out and meeting people, away from the dating scene, where they are filtering for “do I enjoy spending time with this person, do they make me laugh, are we compatible” first, not “is this person I want my friends to know I am dating” (you can re-phrase the 2nd question a lot of different (and more depressing) ways).
Join a club. Volunteer on a charity (ideally one with monthly/biweekly social-ish meetings). Join a sports league (but NOT a singles sports league). Take a class. Become a regular at a maker space. Do whatever it takes to make a few new, casual, friends/acquaintances each month. Any activity that plausible includes the appropriate target gender is fine, of course some might be better than others, so long as you actually enjoy it.
Then, either casually ask people out to NON date activities 0-2 times or explicitly ask them out on a low-risk date (coffee, hiking in a populated part, golf (frisbee or regular), 1 off cooking class. Anything that's short-ish, allows for social interaction and has enough buffer/other people to not be too intimidating.
Do not become a creeper or serial asker-outer. How do you avoid this? First, simply avoid it. If your instincts are so bad (and they might be) that you cannot figure this out I would suggest:
1: No more than 1 ask per monthish per activity group.
2: Do not ask out more than 1 in 5? 6? 10? eligible partners per activity. Eligible partner = plausible singles of target gender +/- a big age range.
3: Do not do too many activity groups per month. 3? 4? Anything over this suggests you're over-applying this advice and using them to look for dates and are therefore risking being a creeper.
If (assuming you're a guy seeking a gal) there are 5 single gals in the approx. age range in some activity, and you ask 2 of them out (unless separated by at least half a year), you're a creeper. If you ask out every other girl that joins the activity, creeper.
The touchstone is that you must be seen by the girls as there for the activity first, social life second, dating third. Even if this is a lie, it is how it should come across. If it becomes activity first, dating second you're on suspect creeper thin ice, and if it becomes dating first you're a creeper.
I suggest this will give you an active social life which on its own will help you (social proof of non-creeper/OK person status). It will also give you many more quality shot opportunities than endlessly scrolling and chatting up people in the highest competition zone possible. This strat also allows network effects to work in your favor b/c if you have social proof of non-creeper status you might get hooked up/set up on dates by people you know. Also, if it fails you have an active social life doing things you enjoy (vs having spent hours scrolling through pictures of people that will reject you).
Post-Conclusion Notes:
1. The sad reality is that a lot of nerd-adjacent guys seem to have both under and over corrected on the dangers of being a creeper. Don't assume you can't ask someone out after you've casually met them 1-10 times and seemed to hit it off, but do carefully gauge the (ahem) market differential and use it to set the ask up appropriately. i.e. the hotter/better the other person is compared against you the more you're limited to “hey, there's a new third wave coffee place opened up, do you want to go some time?”
2. Do assume that if someone says no or fobs it off (without asking you to do something in the next few weeks) they aren't interested at that time and hold off on future asks for 6 months. If they refuse/fob a second time, idk you're either done or need to wait years.
3. Work on your conversation skills. Listen to the other person, then respond. Don't plan your response while they're talking. Do not be the topper. Do not talk over people. It's better to let a moment of silence occur than rush to fill it with something stupid. Pauses while you think seem long (eternal) to you, but to other people are just brief moments. Talk about yourself an appropriate amount. Ask more questions than you answer, but don't be prying. ABOVE ALL ELSE THE SPICE/CONVERSATION MUST FLOW. Do what it takes to let it flow fairly naturally.
4. Self deprecating humor should be deployed with extreme care. It's like when people ask you in an interview (on a television show) “what's your 3 greatest weaknesses” and you have to respond with strengths. It is better to avoid self deprecating humor than mess it up, but in general it can't be stuff you're actually afraid of/that is actually a problem. Humor is hard to explain. If you need a detailed explanation of how to use self deprecating humor, you should simply not use it for a while.
5. Your body odor should be soap, with a reasonable amount of deodorant. I will admit to concerns about the wisdom of anti-antiperspirants, but dates/asks are not the place for those concerns. It is OK to have a non-scented anti-antiperspirant and apply the everloving heck out of it, then do 1 small swipe of original Old Spice per pit (SMALL I SAID). Do not smell bad. Clean clothing, reasonably acceptable shoes and no body/breath odor. If you have chronic allergies you should strongly consider asking a friend the honest/brutal question about your breath odor during allergy season. Allergies/post-nasal drip/deviated septum can cause odor that brushing doesn't fix, and if this is true, you should try and fix it as much as possible (and/or mints).