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Stackdamage's avatar

I would say that the biggest reason people are single is that they don't really want relationships. They want relationships in the same way they want to be billionaires or top performers, in a vague it-would-be-nice-but-sadly-it-is-impossible kind of way. But then it turns out that a committed or even a casual relationship doesn't really fit into their lives, their routines, their habits, their beliefs about the world and their expectations for the future as they are set up. They live their lives as pronouncements into the void. This is a valid life choice, but often people make it without fully knowing they are making it.

Fortunately, making space for relationships in your life is much easier than becoming a billionaire or a top performer. But since it is not happening by itself, a change somewhere must occur. And the only way to make change happen and not be at the mercy of being changed by chance is to revise fundamental assumptions, which is easy to say and hard to do unless you are a reader. Reading deeply teaches you to overhear yourself talking to yourself and recognize the contingent nature and structure of such speech, and then of your existence.

How would another person fit into your daily life, preferably for the better? Do you want them to fit? And how would you fit into their life, preferably for the better? How can you be good for them and they to you? Galaxy brain next-levelling dating tactics don't stem from this questions. Considerations about Ethics and performing plain level 1 generically solid actions such as acquiring new skills or healthy habits do. When you treat yourself and other people ethically, they tend to treat you better as well, and better relationships become possible. That is what good relationships are.

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myst_05's avatar

One potential advice for both men and women is to switch cities (or even countries), if at all feasible. If you're a man, move to NYC. If you're a woman, move to Silicon Valley. If you're gay, move to SF. If you're Mormon, move to Salt Lake City.

Here's a breakdown of US counties by the % of women aged 18-34, as well as the median 1-bedroom rent in each location: https://dpaste.com/7X6S3ART3. 54% of Manhattan (New York county) residents are women vs. only 47.3% of San Jose (Santa Clara county). This might seem like a small difference but if we assume that 70% of women are in a relationship, this means that Manhattan has 2 women for every single man while San Jose has 1.4 men for every single woman. In other words, dating in Manhattan should be **3** times easier than in San Jose.

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